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Dr. Paul Jenkins is a positive psychologist and he’s back with Nate Woodbury on another episode, talking about psychology behind our emotions and how it affects us in our daily lives. If you’re interested in learning more about how feelings influence our life, check this out!
Okay. If you saw the title of this video, you’ve got 2 grown men here to talk about feelings. -I know, right? -And how feelings influence our life. Alright. So, I’m excited for this video because as I’ve gotten older and I’ve… I love personal development. And so I’ve learned about how emotions are actually a powerful tool. -Mm-hmm. -We typically bottle up our emotions or we we hide our emotions. We apologize out sorry for crying. But emotions, they’re important. -I was giving a training to a group of executives and I made this statement and it cut a little bit of flack. -Hmm. -The statement was, “Every decision we make, is an emotional decision.” And this executive on the front row, he’s like, he’s got his legs crossed. He’s like, “Ah, Dr. Paul, I don’t think so.” I said, “What do you mean? Tell me more.” He said, “I make my decisions based on data.” -Mm-hmm. -“Give me the data, I’ll process the data, we’ll analyze the data.” And I said, “Then how do you know when you’ve got the right decision?” -And…? -“Well, I just… I’m satisfied…” -“Wait, satisfied? That’s a feeling, isn’t it?” I feel good about it, it seems right to me, I’m satisfied with today. See, this is all emotion. -So, even if you’re looking at the data, there’s a point where like, “Okay, I feel that we’ve looked at the data enough.” It comes to a feeling, okay. -Yeah. There’s 3. So back in psychology 111, alright? When you’re just getting your introductory psychology class, we talked about the cognitive triad. The cognitive triad is basically what you think, what you feel and what you do. And those 3 things are tied together. You cannot separate them. So what you think affects how you feel. How you feel affects what you do. What you do affects how you think. And it goes both directions and so, if you picture a triangle with these 3 things. — Think, feel and do at the points of the triangle. And there’s bi-directional arrows between each one because they all affect and impact the others. -What does this mean for somebody who… This is kind of a new information to me. Meaning, they’ve been bottling up emotions or they don’t feel that, “I’m not a very emotional person.” Or maybe it’s the executive that’s like, “I make all my decisions just by looking at the data.” How do we then use this knowledge if emotions are such a big, important piece of our life and of growth and what not? What is this? -You know, the first step I think is obviously to acknowledge it. Just acknowledge it. We are emotional beings. It’s how were created. And maybe the example that I shared upfront couldn’t help with that. -Okay. 0Because it might not seem that making a decision based on data is an emotional decision. But realize there comes a level of satisfaction or where you feel. Feel that that it’s the right answer after having studied the data. And so, even something as simple as that is driven by emotion. So, let’s just acknowledge it. How we feel impacts our behavior. And because those 3 — Think, feel and do are so inextricably tied together, we can if we want to shift or alter one of them, we can work on the other 2. -Okay. So, if there’s the decision or or something happens, I have a feeling. One, step 1 is just to acknowledge. “Okay, I’m feeling something.” Does it… Is it helpful then to kind of pause and think, “What am I feeling?” Like, “Am I eeling angry.?” -Oh yeah. -“Am I feeling let down?” -It’s interesting. They’ve done studies before where they have people just come up with feeling words. And people always come up with happy, sad, mad and then they get a little stuck. Can we really…? Can we expand our vocabulary a little bit around feelings? Anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, it typically comes up after a more primary emotion occurs. Something like disappointment, sadness, loss. And because we don’t know exactly how to deal with those primary emotions, we converted over to a secondary emotion. — Anger. Because I know what to do with anger. It’s a much more active acting out. More expressive kind of an emotion. -Okay. So if I’m feeling angry, I might then pause and think, “Okay, where is this anger coming from? Ah! I’m feeling disappointment in the outcome.” -Disappointment is a really common precursor to anger. -So, what would then be the next step? If I recognize and acknowledge the emotion… -Hm-hmm -…what can i what can I consciously do? -Once we’re aware of it, we’re in a position of choice. Until you see it as a choice, it’s not. So, that awareness is huge. And if you become aware that, “Hey, I’m feeling some disappointment.” Well, think about it, Nate. Are you can handle disappointment differently than you would handle anger? -Mm-hmm. -Yes, you will. And there are appropriate ways to address that disappointment which are more likely to create a positive outcome for you than if you were to act out in anger. -So, I mean in my mind, this is something that I’m… That I’m learning and I’m practicing. So, if I discover I’m disappointed about something and I remain kind of conscious about this, I then have a choice. “Okay, I’m feeling disappointed. I have a choice to either go this direction or to go this direction.” -Mm-hmm. -And I mean really, that keep that keeps me in control. -Right. Which gives you additional choices too. Anger typically leads to one of 2 choices. Fight or flight? It’s a threat response and the limbic system in our brain responds to threat in a chemical way by secreting chemicals into our bloodstream that facilitate either fighting or fleeing. Getting the heck out of there. -Okay. So that obviously is a big separation between mankind and animals. You know, we have prefrontal cortex in our brain that allow us to have this ability to think. And so… But it’s all… It sounds like it’s also a level of maturity. As we…. As we learn to recognize the emotions and get down to the root and then choose… You know, make a conscious choice of what we’re going to do in that emotion. It takes practice. -And I’m thinking about something you just said about our ability to think and this cognitive ability. Which is centered in the prefrontal cortex of our brain. It sets us apart from the animals. That’s both good news and bad news. -Okay. -Okay? I had a colleague of mine share an example that there’s a herd of gazelles out in the African Savannah. And they’re they’re running from a lion, okay? And the lion reaches up and swats one of them on the hindquarters leaving a big gash. But it escapes, okay? Moments later, after the dangers past, the gazelles are out there grazing on grass. Flicking flies with their tail. They’re off to their gazelle business. Even the injured one is in pain but just going back to its gazelle thing. They don’t ruminate about, “Oh, that nasty lion.” They don’t keep it alive in their thinking. They go on with life. Because we have the ability to think like we do. We’ll keep that lion in our life perpetually. -Wow. And it continues to injure us and cause our feelings to come up. So, it’s both good news and bad news that we can think about these things. -Okay. So, let’s go there. What can we do about that then? If we have… If our cognitive ability gives us that disadvantage? -Yeah. Awareness is the key. When we become aware of something, we’re actually at a level I call metacognition. It’s thinking about thinking. And that’s what puts us back into choice. It creates a little space and that’s where choice exists. So, becoming aware that, “Wait a minute. Am I being attacked by the lion right now? Well no, I’m not. Why do I still experience it?” You know when you go to a movie and you’re kind of drawn into the movie and it feels like you’re in it for a while. Well, why don’t you run screaming out of the theater when the lion shows up on the screen? Because you know at some level it’s a movie. What if we knew at some level that this story we keep replaying in our mind is a movie? -Yeah, it’s not going to happen in the past. It’s not… -And it’s a movie that we have a private screening to. Nobody else could see it it’s just us. -Okay. So what’s what’s a practical application or even an exercise of how we can become better thinkers that our thinking? -Once you’re aware of it, pause and actually do what you just said. Think about your thinking. And use the movie analogy if that’s helpful. Is this real? Is this now? Is this here? There’s this a mental movie. This a mind movie that I am watching. Should we think about our thinking five minutes a day? 5 minutes several times a day. 1 minute? -Oh, man. -Where do we start? -I did… I’m a full-time psychologist. I’m doing that all day. -24/7. I’m thinking about my thinking? -Well, raise it to another level. If you’re just blissfully going about your life, never thinking about your thinking, then try being mindful for a bit. Think about your thinking. Just see what that does to you. aAd as you practice it, it gives you more control over what you’re experiencing. It’s pretty cool. -Alright. Thanks for watching this episode. I have a great idea. If you want to be able to think about your thinking more, something I think would be helpful to subscribe to his channel. Because it talks a lot about this and it will bring it. Live On Purpose TV. Obviously, like and comment, subscribe. If we’re on YouTube. Share it if you’re on LinkedIn. And I’ll see in the next episode.