Download Now!
With greater influence comes greater responsibility. If you’re someone like YouTube Producer Nate Woodbury, influence must be a big part of your life and there’s a lot of psychology to it more than you think. Tune in to find outwhy.
Welcome back. We’re here with Dr. Paul. Dr. Paul Jenkins. Positivity psychologist. Amazing friend. And we’re here talking about influence and combining those 2 things. How to have a positive influence on others. This is one you want to watch. Okay, influences a big part of who I am, it’s a big part of my career and I work with influencers. I love… I love influence. So, I’m excited to have you here to kind of pick your brain because we think a lot of the same ways but you know a lotmore than me. -There’s a lot of psychology behind influence. We impact each other. That is for for certain. How you think makes a big difference in how you can influence other people. -Okay. So, let’s start with the premise that we will have an impact. What kind of an impact? Well, that’s determined by a lot of factors. So, let’s start with our focus, okay? And I’ll break it down into 2 dimensions for you. If you can imagine your focus being either on how I feel…? No, own this. I’m saying this first person so that you can just own it, okay? My focus is on how I feel or it might be on how you feel. The person that I’m trying to influence, okay? Now, forget about the feelings for just a minute. Let’s look at the content. It might be about me or it might be about you. Okay Now, when you combine those 2 dimensions, we have 4 different areas that it could be. My focus might be on how I feel about me… Do you see how I combine those 2 how I feel about me. Let’s go there for a minute. -Okay. -Have you ever had an interaction with someone and you can tell that they’re all wrapped up on how they feel about themselves? -Yeah. -It’s all about me, me, me. It’s like, “do I think, I’m good enough? Am I prepared for this? Do I have this? Do I know this?” It’s all about how I feel about myself. “Am I good enough?”-Yeah. -When I’m in an interaction with someone like that, it’s like the lights are on but nobody’s home. -Okay. So there’s not really much connection made. -And it impacts me negatively. -Yeah from a… From an influence perspective… Yeah, it’s not it’s not positive. -No, what about yourself? What if your own focus is on how I feel about myself? Am I good enough? Am I cute enough? Am i smart enough? I’m going to be consumed with self consciousness. And it’s not… I’m not talking a positive self-awareness presence kind of a mindfulness. I’m talking about that anxious, “Oh, am I good enough?” Okay, let’s move to another aspect. -Okay. -What if my focus is on how you feel about me? Okay. Now you chuckled a little bit because this is where, “Oh, do you think I’m good enough? Do you approve of me?” -So, in our conversations, I’d be focused on trying to say things that will impress you? -Yes. Impression management? Welcome back to junior high. “Do I fit in? Is it…? Do they like me? Will they accept me?” And that leads to insecurity. A very painful anxious insecurity. In fact, either of those focuses. If I’m focused on how I feel about me or if I’m focused on how you feel about me, I’m going to experience anxiety. -Well, I’m feeling anxiety in this quadrant here. So let’s move on to another one. -So the next. Now… Now, it’s not about me. Now it’s about you. Okay? Now my focus is on how I feel about you. -Okay. -Alright? -Maybe a judgement? -Judgement. -Mm-hmm. – Yeah, how does that feel to you if I’m like, “Do I approve of you? Do I like you? Do I think your choices are good ones?” Parents get into this quadrant all the time. -Hm-hmm -Because they’re so concerned about how they feel about their kids choices. -So thinking about it from an influencer perspective, it’s more… That’s more along the lines of the peer pressure angle where your… And wanting to do something because… Yeah. -And if as an influencer, my focus is on “How can I, the brilliant me, how can I go out there and change their lives? Because t,hey obviously need me. Because I’m here and you’re there.” See it’s a mismatch and that creates a sense of judgment or criticism. That’s the impact that it has. So we got one left. -Okay. -Okay? And this is where things get exciting. Now my focus is not about me. How I feel is only secondary. Now my focus is on how you feel about yourself? Okay, how’s that going to feel to you if I’m focused on how you feel about yourself? -I would then.. I would feel that you have genuine concern and interest for me that you’ve got my best interest in mind. -This is what I call the influencer quadrant. -Influencer quadrant. I like that. -And it’s where our focus is it’s not about me and how I feel is only secondary. My focus is on how you feel about yourself. And that puts me in a position of influence. But you got to be careful because if I’m doing it for that purpose in order to have influence, it’s no longer influence, its criticism. -Mmm-hmm. -Because now I’m like “Oh, I care about how I feel about you.” And people will love you. People will be drawn to you. They will love you if you’re in this influence quadrant. But if you do it forthat purpose, it’s not influence. -And it’s back to… -Its insecurities because now you’re concerned about other people feel about you. -Okay, so let’s put this into a practical application. We’re in that, we want to operate. We want to influence people’s lives. -Right. -And we want to put the focus on how they feel about themselves. -Let’s pause for a minute. Why? Why do you want to influence their life? -So let me just maybe be vulnerable and a little bit more authentic on myself because I love influence. Why is it that I feel so drawn to influence? I love the impact that it makes. I love creating a legacy. I want to know that that I make a difference in this world. I want to feel important. -Yes. -So that is focused on me. That is about how I feel I guess. -Yes and if you’re doing it to be accepted by others, you’re going to feel insecure. -Hmm. -Because that’s always dependent on some external validation. If you can get yourself into that true influence quadrant where your primary motivation is to enhance the way other people experience their own life, then it has this beautiful effect of putting you in a position of influence and people will love you because you’re improving their lives. And you get out of that anxiety and that judgment that characterizes the other quadrants. -So, in my mind, I’ve got a specific example. Just from last weekend, I was having a pretty heartfelt conversation with a couple. -Mm-hmm. -and they were making some decisions about the direction they were gonna take their business and I really was was in their world. I really felt that in that moment, really cared about them and how they’re feeling and what they want to accomplish. And I gave them some advice that they then made a decision that was you know a big decision. -Mm-hmm Now, stepping back I look back at it and I think about the influence that I had on. I think about it from my perspective and I then feel… I feel pretty good about it. So, what I’m trying to distinguish in my mind is like in the moment, I wasn’t thinking about myself. I was all thinking about them. Because it’s hard for me did not think about myself. I’m just, I’ve acknowledged that. But in the moment… -Yes. -…I was… I was totally thinking about them. -And you were free from anxiety in that moment. -Oh, absolutely. -And you didn’t feel any judgment. -Yeah. -So notice that. -Yeah, that’s right. -And it is hard. It’s not… It’s not easy. I think our natural tendency is self-preservation and so it’s natural to have a self focus. It’s powerful to shift that to that influence quadrant where our focus is on how other people feel about themselves. We go there and we can have influence. -So, of any of the videos that I’ve ever seen on how to have a positive influence on others, I would say this one rankat the top. And I really appreciate having that conversation. If you guys feel the same way, make sure to give it a thumbs up if you’re here on YouTube. If you’re on LinkedIn, comment below, share it. And be sure to find Paul Jenkins, Live On Purpose TV. And we’ll see in the next episode.